LINEAGE.

Unlike normal families under one roof,  i do not feel the same as them. When I was a lil kid I felt like walking on air, carefree and was grateful that  my family is one like those i see in television. It went on very well until I saw college’s threshold. I was displeased to see myself happy in school but poignant in family matters. It is heartbreaking to see the man behind my strength and the woman behind my potency cannot make decisions for themselves. 

Hambog.

while some people hover in overwhelming,overemphasized possesions of their half-true state of affairs, some trivial people of my kind for example eavesdrop on their talks, shuts up, processes the linguistic unit and blog them. i certainly cannot fathom how boasters got their guts on things like talking exaggerated thoughts that focuses on their fabric self  and  their pointer finger above their chest. They’re like fluttering on thin air gracefuly dances with the perfumed atmosphere yet never aware of the fact that they still look like tissue paper nothing less but lanky.

Some bullshits I missed to duct tape.

Like ungulates with their solid hooves, the sound of stampede lingers my ear. I hear them and see them wearing frocks of irrationalism. As if they are bound to feed me and eventually devour me at the end of the day. I keep on telling my self that fate has every hold of my being and that on every step I make has something to do with the happy-ending thing everyone wants to set in. After being incarcerated for 20 long years, technically the fate-thing sounds absurd. Sometimes, it doesn’t make sense anymore. In some cases, fate keeps me from holding on having in mind what lies ahead is better. I have been waiting for my emancipation from the time I realized the things going around me sucks more than I thought. Worst, I thought I’m done with it and that doesn’t keep me from being frustrated. I have not proven myself anything except that I am human and I am breathing. Does it even make sense?

Like political colloquy about murder slash massacre and the like, it is more of mayhem—very mutilating. I was not born with some sort of prodigy or something and I guess this is not a ticket for being labeled unfortunate. Or does it? Like nuisance of their own hopes and dreams, they made a catastrophic scene on me.

I missed to duct tape mouths who speaks irrelevant words. Mouths of people who talk and talk and talk but has words that doesn’t mean anything.

friendtalk

soliloquy, the thing i always do when im alone, frustrated, disappointed, bombarded, stressed and screwed up. this generally means im not satisfied with what is real. i talk to myself and say whatever i want but that doenst mean im a psycho i just wanted to let my incarcerated emotions get freed. i was born not knowing my purpose and until now unfortunately, still dont know it. i still merely watch the earth rotate and let life be as it is.am i just too considerate about the things that are happening to me?

i have met vulgar, annoying, inconsiderate, selfish, self-centered people but still forgave them despite the fact that im striving really hard to accept their character. i was trying to be so good the time i thought ive met the best people i know even though evryday there trying to screw me up , still i believed they were the best.but when the time came i got fed up , just like the compensatory mechanism of the body(fighting against infection), i fought for my right (the silent way though). i never thought that the people who i considered the best are noW the worst people i know. i know im not a perfect friend but i can be what a friend is meant to be. i know im dumb, stupid, vulnerable, and weak. i dont understand why some people make the most simple things be an issue. wy cant we all just get along?the world is not turning around you and i hope you can feel that.That every unprofessional colloquy youve shared are bouncing back on you.That you are not the star of the universe.That even if we belong to a different walks of life, we still are equal.the lesson i learned to every disappointments I’ve encountered is that,you dont need to give all ur trust to whoever u believed is break-proof leave something to yourself.that some people are unkind, disrespectful and irrational but FORGIVE THEM ANYWAY.

cemetery etiquette, anyone?

i have been thinking of ending everything about my story in an instant because in my own realization it is the only way i could hurt them.i know they’ll be in grief but i know they’ll be just fine eventually when time heals my loss.(that kinda changed my mind) but as much as i wanted to vanish, is as much more as i wanted to see how my story ends.

oh well i guess i have to live. not leave.

^_^

life’s a crap

another day has ended and it seems like i havnt made anything good since i was born. everythings just sooooo vague. it seems like im in “nowhere” a place were i serve no purpose but to merely watch the earth rotate. then i realized i lost friend that i used to treasure. friend hu i thought was the best but eventually turned out to be the worst person i know. its not pride that triggers me not to look back..its a choice i chose to be just EXTREMELY HAPPY. could the angels blow there trumpets and lure everyone i know to be REAL?

and then one day  i was looking for this “missing piece chuva”, found it! and let it go.
i thought to my self, i was not looking for wat i have found.. i am looking for something else i do not know.

maybe ill just wait till all ds crap gets tired of bothering me.

Perforate thy Bounderies

ometimes life seems to  be sedating every fiber of my soul. every breath numbs each of my every blood paths. when the day turns to night, the familiar sent of procastination embeds the betrayed field of the armory. each is grappling for the means of survival and breathing. poor are the ones who witnessed the replication of the great doom where people grieved why they were born. it is as f they wantedto gravitate in a world where the incarceration of our own soul is not part of the requirement. the taste of the grieving wind blows upon my face, suffocating me until i color my self like a corpse. i have coined myself the nuissance of my own plans—-worst i still can feel how the pain swallows and shuts my system down

and then i go boompbobompbomp!

i nevr thought i can change my life’s point of view from my dirty old CRAAP! to ohh yeeaahh CRAP! now i realize wat they always say,”make the best of life”. i have realized on a lot of things and if u can just dig in deep to it, we can probably have a cup of coffee and talk about fruitful at the same time nonsense stuffs.i have lived my life thinking i am  the least among “them”, that i am unworthy and inadequate. i have heard positive things about “them” and heard doubts about me. unfortunately, until now i can still feel how it feels to be their problem. i never thought i cud meet people who are happy with my downfall. i know i am the least among them and i just cant help it if i get emotional at the end of the day.

lately, i see girls wearing tank top,short shorts, and flipflops and i just cant imagine myself wearing one of those bec. i know i will look like a dork craving for yumyum calories with a sign on my back,”pls kick my a*s”.

despite all of these,i have realized i can make a difference in my what i call life. lately i can make myself happy in my own little way. having  large fries and a cokefloat sitting in a corner alone at mcdonalds can make me smile and say, “ohhllalala nothing can get any better than this”. u see, wen u perceive life in a more positive way though ur at ur lowest makes the world go topsy  turvy. and if u seek God within u, u can actually live happier and appreciate every single moment.

though it seems that i havnt learned much of academics, but i have learned the most precious lesson in life which is more important. maybe this term is not for me. i believe this term is set to make my eyes open about the reality of life and the kindness of God.

but u see, sometimes i just feel so tired and just wanted to cut my life and end everything. I AM TIRED. and i dont have any idea how to rest wen evrybody else is making you move.

lessons older people must learn.

LISTEN.

UNDERSTAND.

ANTICIPATE.

LISTEN to whatever the lil kid must say. it might be thoughts u don’t wanna hear but

UNDRSTAND. understand that whatever she says are just plain answers to clarify your sometimes irrelevant questions and playful thoughts.

ANTICIPATE to whatever mistake she might make. it might be a mistake on your own realization but as the world sees it, basically it is normal.

older people, shut your mouth when u are unsure. if u think u are sure, think agen.
LISTEN, your not that old, ur mind is.

Rave not

in my 16 years of inhabiting this planet, I keep on thinking about my purpose. I am totally clueless. Worse, I don’t know it. Sometimes I feel like being in nowhere: a place where I serve no purpose but to merely watch life as it rotates. I unfortunately perceive life as a blur. A stressful, surreal blur. Sometimes, when I just can’t stand the pain life brings, I fire up my thoughts that life is ridiculous. I know life is an impromptu. It is unplanned, unprepared, spontaneous. There’s no crew, no script, no shits, all are real. In short, it is a challenge. Every time I wanted to have a worry-free day, distracting thoughts distracts me. All of a sudden I had this urge to write a book of my own. But it was not finished. I felt exhausted after several days of writing my frustrations. Writing is also my enemy. It brings back my hatred and fear about life. But unlike my past attempts where I have grappled for deep, pleasing words that unfortunately didn’t come out, this time all I care is to let the thorns of my heart out. I wanted to gravitate in a world where I could revamp peoples selfish desires and think of something more vintage.

When I was outside our house that very night, I felt nothing. I didn’t feel the wind tousling my hair and I didn’t see the trees sway. The vast, vast sky was the thing that caught my attention. Not because it was glamorous nor sophisticated but because it was pale. There were fewer stars. And the night was vague, like my life. If I could just place diamonds in the sky and let the whole world take a glimpse of how fascinating the sky at night looks. (I am pretty much contemplating with this impossibility.) If people could just stop for a while and just be satisfied to what they have. Because sometimes it’s just a matter of opening our eyes to make an eloquent pursuit of satisfaction. And for me, being satisfied is being happy.

As life opened a new threshold for me, I was a bit scared. Yet, determined to finish what I have started. Times like this are tough, when I wanted to seek truth behind my existence. For all I know I sucked, and don’t even care about it. I already felt this before but I just didn’t give much attention to it because I thought it wouldn’t matter. Now, I have realized that I was just playing non-sense games with destiny. With my life.

So before all of my questions answered, before wrongs become right, before the very day that I’ll finally find myself, all I got to do is to rave. Not.

moneytalks

Born without a silver spoon in my mouth, i never really had the chance of enjoying life’s luxuries. Some time in my wanderings, i thought i never really needed it as long as i am satisfied. There are times when some ignorant dorks technically within the principle of being a bourgeoisie or more than that treats people who are low in valuation with eyes of envy, disgust and discrimination, whatsoever. They need to learn their lessons the harsh way. i can live the harsh way im born on it. But can they?

boystown

i know sumbody who thinks having a boyfriend is the most important thing in the world. shes so weird. but for me, boys suck more than dorks. never in my entire life made me think they rock. yes, i know i may be stereotyping but i just cant help myself. like, who the heck would believe that boys would be ever loyal and loving boyfriends?! maybe 3% of the “boy-population” are real boyfriends. this may include geeks, dorks, first-timers and super dooper idiotic squirts who thinks their girfriends are hotter than lava. 97% of boys makes you believe that they love you, that their thinking of you alot that they missed you and all those stupid stuffs that even the most craziest and wildest sluts and whores would believe. damn, those liars make me sick! their making me leak! this is so not good..

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