Rave not

in my 16 years of inhabiting this planet, I keep on thinking about my purpose. I am totally clueless. Worse, I don’t know it. Sometimes I feel like being in nowhere: a place where I serve no purpose but to merely watch life as it rotates. I unfortunately perceive life as a blur. A stressful, surreal blur. Sometimes, when I just can’t stand the pain life brings, I fire up my thoughts that life is ridiculous. I know life is an impromptu. It is unplanned, unprepared, spontaneous. There’s no crew, no script, no shits, all are real. In short, it is a challenge. Every time I wanted to have a worry-free day, distracting thoughts distracts me. All of a sudden I had this urge to write a book of my own. But it was not finished. I felt exhausted after several days of writing my frustrations. Writing is also my enemy. It brings back my hatred and fear about life. But unlike my past attempts where I have grappled for deep, pleasing words that unfortunately didn’t come out, this time all I care is to let the thorns of my heart out. I wanted to gravitate in a world where I could revamp peoples selfish desires and think of something more vintage.

When I was outside our house that very night, I felt nothing. I didn’t feel the wind tousling my hair and I didn’t see the trees sway. The vast, vast sky was the thing that caught my attention. Not because it was glamorous nor sophisticated but because it was pale. There were fewer stars. And the night was vague, like my life. If I could just place diamonds in the sky and let the whole world take a glimpse of how fascinating the sky at night looks. (I am pretty much contemplating with this impossibility.) If people could just stop for a while and just be satisfied to what they have. Because sometimes it’s just a matter of opening our eyes to make an eloquent pursuit of satisfaction. And for me, being satisfied is being happy.

As life opened a new threshold for me, I was a bit scared. Yet, determined to finish what I have started. Times like this are tough, when I wanted to seek truth behind my existence. For all I know I sucked, and don’t even care about it. I already felt this before but I just didn’t give much attention to it because I thought it wouldn’t matter. Now, I have realized that I was just playing non-sense games with destiny. With my life.

So before all of my questions answered, before wrongs become right, before the very day that I’ll finally find myself, all I got to do is to rave. Not.